17. Life sucks. That is the first thing every kid should learn. Before counting, before tying shoes, before all the other nonsensical lessons forced upon us in our youth, each child should receive a forewarning of the downfalls of humanity. Not that I'm a anti-humanist (is that the right word?) or anything. I just refuse to put much stock in the greatness of mankind. I am a pessimist by learning, not by breeding. As a child, I did, for some crazy reason (death to Barney), believe that all humans were inherently good, just that some were temporarily turned bad by unfortunate circumstance, and, that with love and understanding, they could be 'saved'. Cute huh? Then I went through my depression phase. Now I'm going to be truthful and admit that some of my depression, but not the entirety of it, was due to the whole 'teenage angst' phenomena. That minuscule part was a product of society. After all, I am a part of the MTV generation, and we are all indoctrinated with the belief that at some point in our youth we are to rebel against the system, which by the way I'm still trying to figure out what it is. So my rebellion involved with me professing a disdain for all members of organized sports, a hatred of parental rules, and an apathetic nature towards everything else that should have mattered to an able-bodied member of society. I had no definite views on anything - politics, issues, school work, movies, music. I had the ability to have no taste of my own, a dark stage of my life that I hate to admit. Now I was no teeny-bopper; well, except for that period in 6th grade when I was an obsessed follower of the Backstreet Boys and was planning my marriage to AJ McLean. Wow, I can't believe I just admitted that. And here I was trying to be cool. Huh.

18. I made a booboo again. I lost my dad's credit card. No it wasn’t one of the major credit cards that we use for everyday or extravagant purchases, it was the medical card, the one we use to pay for medical stuff like co-pays and crap. But still I was freaking out. I always do crap like this and then I freak. I hate being disappointed in myself, but I do it a lot. It’s the worse. It makes me feel like worthless crap, like I cant do anything right. But I know (now) that that’s not true. I can do a lot of things well. I'm a good person. I'm not perfect but that’s what I like most about myself. I should rephrase that: that’s what I like best about others, so that should apply to myself. But that’s really hard to do. I mean, its easy to have one set of rules for yourself and a completely different set for others. Its not productive but its what we do. Or at least what I do. I'm going to stick to myself here because  that’s who I know best, which is actually really sad when you think about it because I really don’t know myself at all. I'm still trying to learn. It’s a hard and long process and truthfully I don’t know if I'm actually getting somewhere or if I'm just deluding myself. I'd like to believe that I'm making myself a better person but I'm not so sure. What exactly qualifies as a better person anyway? Just because I'm not wild about volunteer work and I don’t want to play with kids that much and I like to buy nice clothing and I'm a vegetarian/vegan who is also in love with leather totes, does that make me a horrible person? Or does that just make me human? One thing that I think I have finally gotten into my head is that I need to stop making these inane predisposed rules for myself. Why do I feel the need to make presumptions concerning how I live my life based on what others may think? So I'm into veganism and I try to follow the diet as much as possible, should I be maimed for getting American cheese on my sandwich from subway? I hate it that I make stupid guidelines for myself based on what I think is societally correct and not what is right for me. People always say, do what's right for you, not what's "right" for everyone, but no one actually follows that rule. I wouldn’t mind being an outcast. I'm not a loner in any sense of the word, I just like being alone sometimes. The best revelations occur when you're in a group function and u sit, now you are a part of the festivities and all, but truthfully you just sit and observe and think. I love just being around people but being alone at the same time. It’s the best time to have "deep" thoughts. What is a deep thought? I hate this term in theory. A lot of people say this, that so-and-so has never had a deep thought in their lives and crap like that, but then I think, what makes you think that you have? I mean, seriously, I have had many deep thoughts and deep intellectual conversation concerning the quality of this season's shoe trends. I have also had many meaningless and highly retarded conversations concerning political theory that revolved around one or many people spouting off about shit that’s suppose to be right just because hey said so and its things that they have no idea about or they only think they have some idea about because they read it in a thick-ass book somewhere or watched on Nancy Grace or the O'Rielly Factor or some bullshit like that, and your automatically suppose to agree with them because they can b.s. about it the longest, when in reality they have no experience concerning the subject. I truly sometimes despise theorist, the people who say something which may or may not be complete crap but they will argue about it 100% even when they in actuality have only the slightest miniscule idea of the subject. I hate it especially when they try to tell someone who has actually experience it that their experience was unworthy because they are right because so-and-so on Oprah or the Today Show said it. This is why I hate the news;  people use it in crappy ways. Its actually a really dumb idea to give the public so much information. They just fuck it up.

19. This is truly turning into one of the weeks from hell. You know, the type that makes u want to scream and hide and just curl up with a good book and forget the world exists. So if yesterday wasn’t bad enough. Today my freaking air conditioner got turned of because its leaking downstairs. Its freaking Texas in July for goodness sakes. Then I kind of backed into some hillbilly lady's trunk at the library and she stood there for a good ten minutes calling everyone she'd freaking known since kindergarten, if she went, telling them that some stupid girl just hi her car like it was the accident of the century. And she kept saying I'm not paying for that and I'm like paying for fucking what? There's nothing wrong with either car! Goddamn hicks, always acting like they are waiting for the next thing that will get them featured on Jerry Springer. I mean seriously, if I had done any damage I would have taken responsibility because it might have been, it probably was my fault in the mood I've been in lately, but the way that she kept calling everyone and talking about how it wasn’t her fault like she wanted witnesses when we went to court or something makes me wonder. It seems like the girl has experience in this kind of stuff. That’s sad. What's sadder is that there was this little boy in the front sit of the car listening to all of this, while his mom acts like a bitch, and I apologized so much yet his mother is probably going to make him grow up to hate black females or whatever and he's going to believe her because chances are he's going to be stuck in that socioeconomic zone for the rest of his life. I mean I have some respect for his mother because she was taking him to the library and all but reading about the world can only erase so much of a person's upbringing. You know what's funny? As an open-minded hippie I shouldn’t be making these judgments but I am human and I know that these judgments, as wrong and hypocritical as they are, are usually true. I mean all the crap people say about me has to have a basis in some reality. I just don’t want to face it. I know how it works, I know its true but I like to continue deluding myself and spout out about how judging people is wrong, but even when you say that you are breaking your own rule because you're then judging the people who judge people and that is really a double negative. Which technically makes a positive. So maybe there is some good in the world.

20. So I need to lose weight. Well I don’t need to but it is still necessary nonetheless. I and about what 5'3" or so and I weigh 126lbs and I apparently have a body fat percentage of 22%. All in all, that’s kind of normal for a girl my age but not for me. I would like to weigh about 110lbs and have a body fat percentage of 14% or so. So that’s, what, like 16lbs and 8% body fat that I have to lose. I was thinking, you know the normal adolescent female thought, ok I just wont eat, I'll eat one small meal a day or none at all and I can lose at least 6lbs before I leave in August. Yeah right. See in theory that sounds plausible, even the right way to do it. But I know that's not the right way to do it. I mean I read all these books and scientific articles and watch so many programs and research summaries on the eating disorders, weight lose, psychological pressures on today's youth, all that crap that I know what's the right way and what's the wrong way to do these things. He'll I could right probably a ten page research paper on eating disorder prevalence among today's youth and all the social and psychological causes and effects right now. But I still succumb. It sucks but at least now its different. Because I only fall at night and then I go to sleep and the next morning I know that I have to eat a balanced breakfast and get all my protein and calcium and fiber for the day then exercise for at least 45 minutes. Its crazy. I mean this kind of stuff could have serious consequences. Today was kind of bad though. I really want to lose weight. I even convinced myself as far as to buy cigarettes again, which I hate, I hate smoking it make me feel out of it and sick afterwards, and I feel gross like I'm on cocaine or something and its horrible, so I really cant understand why I bout it. Well I do its that whole  adolescent stupidity thing. Its funny. I hate being a teenager but I don’t want to grow up. I think I just hate being a teenager in mind. I like having knowledge. I hate the fact that a majority of teenagers are drones; they just repeat what is said to them, whether it is in context or not. They never really take time to absorb, well, anything. And I hate that. I like to gather information, absorb it, then make it a part of me. I guess its because its in my nature to be an observer. I like to watch people. Its fascinating you just learn so much. But most of the stuff that you learn is not apparent. Is more subconscious. Like I consciously don’t really make an effort concerning whom, or what type of person I like to associate with. It truly just happens. I mean I guess I could consciously take over and make the decision but truly I don’t realize the experiences I have to the extent that I believe would lead me to make the right choice. I don’t know it this means I'm a believer in fate or whatnot but I just listen to what my instincts are telling me. That’s it, I'm a believer in instincts. I follow my instincts a lot, and they are usually right. Its weird. I guess it could almost be destiny. Like if I'm trying to do something and it just keeps going wrong or something happens that leads me to another place than I just trust it and follow. Kind of like this whole weight thing. If I'm meant to be skinnier then eventually it will happen. I mean I have tired the whole not eating thing and something in me just wont let me do it. I used to say that it was because I had no drive or determination but I know that that is not true. I am able to push myself to do a bunch of other stuff, things that are so much more important in my book, like exercising, doing homework, studying, working, stuff that actually means something. So now I believe its just my mind telling me what will work for me. Or maybe its not my min. its more of a higher power that I think is in all of us, like a fairy godmother type thing, but is just including in our being. Because some of the stuff that happens is impossible for my mind alone to know. Like college. I was so not going to attend that weekend thing at WashU last September. I had just gotten back from Ghana and I was tired, and I was sure that I was going to end up going to UPenn or NYU or UT. I was all set to hate WashU after the whole UPenn fiasco of the summer ( god I hated that place. I loved the people but the school was disastrous.) but I got on campus and I feel in love. Seriously. And then I met the people, especially Steven and Danielle and Chad was there, and Paul and others and it just made me love it. Then I went into the classes and the teachers didn’t treat you like crap, they actually cared ad it was amazing and the place just felt like home. But when I got home and was home for a while and I didn’t get the full scholarships and I was worried about money I forget about that feeling. Thankfully, I didn't get into UT fall semester because of stupid mailing issues and I didn’t get into UPenn or Harvard, I did get into NYU but they only gave me $22k and WashU kept working with us and helping me out and giving me more money so that now I have $41k or so to pay for each year (even though I still have loans but that’s because dad thinks its good for me so that I don’t have it easy and I agree with him). Everything worked out exactly how its meant to. So now I'm totally stoked to be going there in 5 weeks (yay!) and I cant wait to get started and go to lass and learn, and just be a full time college student. But I wont be the typical college student though. I can't drink ( due to medication), I don’t want to drink, I'm not a huge partier, I hate to smoke, I'm not that interested in the whole pot scene. I just want to go to college and work in the art museum and have study sessions and cram nights and go to the library and talk o my teachers about philosophy and other cool subjects and grow as a person without the whole haze of parting. Not that I won't go to party. I wouldn’t be me if I didn't. But I am not really a partier. I like hanging out in small groups but situations in which there are a ton of people and their all wasted and all these stupid things happen is only fun or funny, for about 5 minutes before I want to kill someone then I get cranky and shit and its just not how I like to hang. I guess Dr. Barron was right, I know he was right. I'm just not a huge people person like I used to be. I'm not a loner either. I need people but only in small amounts. I can pretty much hang out with anyone as long as they don’t infringe on my personal space. I don’t know when I became like this. I seriously think its because I have been alone (figuratively not literally) for a long time. I'm used to being by myself even when I'm around people. I think that’s why me and brad get along because we're kind of alike like that and he gets it that I don’t like dealing with people in large groups for long. Id rather sit at home watching TV with four of my good friends. I think that’s why I don’t really do well in relationships. I'm kind of hard to get. I love to cuddle and I like the touchy-feely part of relationships but I hate it sometimes when the guy is always around and always wanting something from you but then I always want them to know when I need them and when I don’t and its kind of selfish I guess but I really don’t see it that way. I just need my space. I can't baby-sit others. I've got places to go and people to meet  and things to do and I want to someone who can go along and support me but I also want someone who has their own thing happening. That’s why I don’t I could seriously date someone in the same career field as me. The competition would kill it. I also thinks that explains my best romantic (huh) relationships. With Justin it was easy because he was really nothing like me. He had his own deal and we got along so well and he was probably my best relationship even with his probable cheating. He gave me what I needed. With Steven it just felt like he always wanted something form me that I couldn’t give. I can be supportive but I have my own shit to do and he really didn’t have anything. I don’t know where he's heading in life and I  don’t think he really knows and where he's heading is not where I want to be, all married with 2 kids and  a suburban and a house in Temple, Texas. I mean seriously. I want to experience the world and he's never even really been out of the country. And then there was Jared. This guy was too much like me I think. In a way. Goal wise, yeah, we were way too much alike yet so different. He wanted his space too but I think he was looking for more like the supported stay at home wife type. He wants to be the "man" in the relationship. It wasn’t really a two person thing it was more he wanted control and I couldn’t do that. I need someone who is not afraid of me. Not afraid as in I'm going to go do the spousal abuse thing, but not afraid of my ambition and realizes that I need to be an equal partner and I refuse to not be heard and just go along. I'm really independent. It takes a strong person to love me. Because I wil occasionally be callous and hurtful and selfish and I might mean it and however wants me needs to understand that. I can't deal with people who are afraid to argue with me. But I also can't deal with people who treat me like I'm inferior. I'm and equal in any voluntary relationship that I get involved with. Do not treat me in a subservient manner because I've dealt with that for most of my life and I know better now and I wont take it anymore.

Currently Listening Page Avenue By Story of the Year razorblades see related

Shira907: eveerything is better at walmart
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: its wally world. ofcourse it is
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: even condoms
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: much cheaper and better then those 75 cent ones at the gas station
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: altho i've never used the ones from the gas station b4
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: they just seem yucky tho
Chagan Lal 4 2 0:
Shira907: i almost bought some studded ones
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: hah really
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: when was this?
Shira907: my friend and i got the flavored ones once
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: are they any good?
Shira907: uh like 2 weeks ago
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: haha
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: did you guys use them
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: like suck em like lolly pops
Shira907: no
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: then throw em away
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: so then why did you buy them?
Shira907: we tasted them
Shira907: lol
Shira907: it wasd fun
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: LMFAO
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: what do they taste like?
Shira907: we got cherry and strawberry ones and they taste like candy
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: i think i have a few "her pleasure" condoms left.
Shira907: we also tried some edible underwear once
Shira907: do those work?
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: haha i've never used them
Shira907: well then u should fix that
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: i dont have any edible undies
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: dont know where to buy them either
Shira907: umm, gosh i cant remember where we got them
Shira907: ill get u some
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: lol okay
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: do they taste like fruit rollups?
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: cuz thats what they look like on tv
Shira907: kinda
Shira907: the thing is u have to get them warm before the flavor comes out
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: like in the microwave or by putting them on?
Shira907: u can just rub them on ur leg or something
Shira907: the point is to but them on
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: lol what kinda person eats food that's been rubbed on someons leg
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: lol
Chagan Lal 4 2 0: it just sounds eww

im personally a big fan of eating things off other peoples bodies. what could be greater? im too tired to talk about this so ill just let others have their say today. aim me please!

shadow41087: It's not fun working there when I haven't had enough sleep... ghaah
Shira907: why dont u sleep then?
shadow41087: umm... Well last night some girl invited me to Cool Bean cause there was a show... and gave me a Vanilla Latte... so the caffeine didn't allow me to sleep much that night... so I wound up sleeping for 15 minutes before I had to get up.
Shira907: well then
Shira907: next time a pretty girl gives u something just say no
shadow41087: That'd be rude... lol.
Shira907: im kidding
shadow41087: Bad enough I had forgotten her name... doesn't need to get anymore offended... lol.
Shira907: geez
shadow41087: lol
shadow41087: I'll just make sure I tell you "no" next time you offer me something, lol.
Shira907: darn it
Shira907: ok
shadow41087: This whole full-time job thing is wierd...
Shira907: lol
shadow41087: I have to work so much.
Shira907: welcome to the world of adults
Shira907: so what times do u work from... 9-5?
shadow41087: Day shift is from 6 am to 4 pm... or I work the night shift which is 4 pm to 2 am.
Shira907: wow
Shira907: not fun
shadow41087: It's fine unless I'm falling asleep while I'm standing... lol.
Shira907: oh what all do u do?
shadow41087: I get to drive the fork lifts and loboys to move huge stacks of laminent... and then we put the sheets of laminent through the machine one by one.
shadow41087: I have to wear steel toed shoes, gloves, safety glasses, and ear plugs while I'm there....
Shira907: oh sonds stimulating
shadow41087: lol.
shadow41087: Most the people I work with have children our age.
Shira907: lol
shadow41087: Next year... hopefully when I get hired for summer help, I'll get into the lab, or maybe the IT department.
Shira907: cool. so u get to make the stuff then?
shadow41087: We don't make it... we just move it, and put it through the sanders so it looks all nice and pretty.
Shira907: oh
Shira907: sorry i dont know much about the biz
shadow41087: I didn't know either... lol.
shadow41087: I'm actually thinking about going to sleep... wow.
Shira907: its all that hard work
Shira907: its getting to ya
shadow41087: Yeah I know... I dunno what to do.
Shira907: well u should bask in the glory and go to sleep
Shira907: try it out
Shira907: u might like it
shadow41087: bah...
shadow41087: No.
Shira907: yes
Shira907: dp it for all the orphans out there
Shira907: their rooting for u
shadow41087: But I'm already staying awake for all the foster children.
Shira907: lol
Shira907: who cares about them!
Shira907: its the orphans that matter!!
shadow41087: I do!!
Shira907: NO U DONT
Shira907: its a gimick
shadow41087: AHH!! I kicked an orphan the other day!
Shira907: did u really?
Shira907: lol
shadow41087: What? Why would I do something like that?
Shira907: dont make it a habit
Shira907: idk u do wierd things
shadow41087: You have a low opinion of me... pshhh.
shadow41087: lol
Shira907: no i dont.. ihave a low opinion of orphans. they shouldnt let themselves be kicked like that
shadow41087: Nah... I think they should take the kick and kick 'em back.
Shira907: well thats good
Shira907: i think
Shira907: i like it better when u were kicking htem
shadow41087: Ya see... I can't just go to sleep for the orphans... they kicked me.
Shira907: u kicked them
Shira907: so yes u can
shadow41087: That doesn't justify them kicking me... an idividual should always seek out what the right thing to do is... obviously... kicking back is an act of vengeance... therefore an act of selfish desire... therefore I can't do something for them >_<
Shira907: what?
Shira907: its to late ur confusing me
shadow41087: I thought I was the one who was tired... lol.
Shira907: well apparently not
Shira907: that was advanced thinking
shadow41087: I haven't even had 3 hours sleep for the last several days... lol.
shadow41087: No it wasn't... it was simple logic... lol.
Shira907: in a very complex form or whatever
Shira907: seriously i cant think past 11
shadow41087: Why not? Thinking is fun....
Shira907: not rite now
Shira907: it makes my head hurt
shadow41087: Haha... funny from someone who's GPA could have doubled mine... lol.
Shira907: thats because u were lazy
Shira907: gpa is no meassur of intelligence
shadow41087: That's not what TV tells us... lol.
Shira907: uh huh
Shira907: that tv also tells u to marry ur dog and eat cow penises
shadow41087: Really? I haven't watched it in almost a year... I must've missed out on a lot.
Shira907: yup u have
Shira907: its ok its not worth it
shadow41087: lol, I know... honestly I can't stand watching TV... I don't even like to hear it.
Shira907: lol
Shira907: i dont blame u

we really dont hate orphans. i hope no one is offended by this post. also whomever he went out with, im sorry he forgot ur name.